about to blow...

It's been a little over 2 months...10 weeks...72 days.  In the past, I don't remember going more than 2 days without talking to my Dad....more than a week without seeing his face. 

Some days, I find I wake up and Dad is right there in my mind.  Lately, I've had nights where I lay down to go to sleep and realize I haven't thought of him much at all that day.  Other days I feel like a champagne bottle whose cork has worked itself half way out of the bottle and if you tap it or bump into it, it will blow.  Its contents will burst out of the bottle with force and spray all over everything around it.  The champagne, you see, is under great pressure...bubbling, expanding, wanting to "let it all out".  The cork, however, has been assigned to hold it all in and is straining against the force of the sticky, sweet liquid with all of its might.  Part of me is the cork...holding it all in.  Part of me is the champagne...brewing, bubbling.  All around me, is the delicate glass that I fear will break if something whacks against me and causes the cork to dislodge.  On these days, more times than I can count, I feel myself about to blow...

All in all, I would have to say that we're all doing fairly well...all things considered.  We've made it through Lura, Brennan & Eli's birthdays, Liam's first soccer game, our 20th anniversary, Good Friday & Easter, Mother's Day and a field trip to a landfill.  None of these were easy days.  Each held their own pain.  Each brought memories of Dad being the first to call, being an usher at church, making days special, stuffing plastic eggs with coins & candy, honoring the mamma's around him, calling to see how things went, offering advice, giving directions.  Some of these memories & reminders are so filled with joy.  Others bring stabbing pain.  Yet in each of these days, God has graciously given each of us what we needed to make it through. 

I am sure that I would not have made it through without the love of Christ and the full assurance that I will one day see Dad again.  I have to remind myself of where he is now, the new body that he's been given (free of pain & suffering), and even reassure myself that given the chance, Dad wouldn't want to come back.  He is in the presence of the One who laid down His life for us.  He is worshipping at the throne of his creator and he is experiencing a joy that, to us, is unimaginable.  These truths have made me long for my heavenly home in a way I never did before.

I would not have made it through without the love and support of my Godly, patient, understanding and compassionate husband.  I would not have made it without the sweet smiles and hugs from my boys.  I have been drawn closer to my Mom, my sisters, my in-laws, my dear friends, and most importantly, my God.  God has given me the gift of seeing how many lives my Dad's touched.  He has allowed me to see the impact Dad had on so many people around him and it's made me want to be more like him in so many ways.

I know that as time stretches on, the days of sadness will lessen and the memories that make me so sad now will make me smile.  I know that just as He has for the past 72 days, God will give me exactly what I need to make it through each and every day.  For this, I will be eternally grateful.